Love through adoption
Published: Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Parents become parents in a variety of ways. Some people give birth, while others marry someone who already has children, or adopt. My husband and I have become parents once through birth and once through adoption.
A unique journey
Adoption is a very specialized and highly personal experience. Each person who goes through it will travel his or her own path, which will vary from that of anyone else. The legal process itself is defined by each state and, to some degree, is a standardized method.
What makes each adoption different is the people involved. Some come to adoption with feelings of inadequacy and longing. Others come to it with a desire to share their lives with a child to whom they may or may not be genetically connected.
For me, entering the world of adoption is a very different experience than I would have ever imagined. When a woman gives birth, she looks at that child and holds him close, breathing in the essence of that child. She looks to her husband, partner or significant other. They smile, feeling ever so proud of themselves and then name their child as their benefactor as doctors look on. They bask in the glow of becoming parents.
In the adoption process the courtroom replaces the hospital; the judge replaces the doctor. As the judge signs the adoption decree and states this is now their child and they are responsible for the care and upbringing of this child, the adoptive parents figuratively give birth.
It is at this point in time that the adoptive parents and parents who give birth naturally share the birthing moment. The feelings are no less powerful for either set of parents nor is the depth of the responsibility less overwhelming for one couple over the other.
Expectations and adjustments
In adopting a special needs child you play by a whole different set of rules. You know going into it that it is going to be a much more difficult road to travel. You know that the child will have needs other children do not have. You think that all of the differences will not affect you and that you will be just fine. You think that you can do it all and make things perfect for this child.
But the biggest thing you learn as you and your child grow is that you can’t do it all, you don’t know a thing, and watching your child have difficulty with making friends or reading or speaking or being developmentally on target is hard. You sit back and look at your child and say, “why?”
Taking on this monumental challenge is the single toughest thing you will ever do as a person and as a parent. Some days you sit there and ask yourself how you got here, but then you look at that child who brings you love and laughter and say, “I know why I did it - love!”
Loving a child, any child, is just that: loving a child. Your child teaches you what you do not have genetically. You bond in a very intuitive and emotional way. You are fiercely loyal and protective. You become an expert on Special Education Laws and are willing to take on whole school districts if necessary to insure your child’s best interests. You feel the same as any good parent of any child would.
The fact that a child may have special needs is an adjustment that will come over the days, months and years that the family grows as a family. I have a friend, Cathy, who gave birth to three children with special needs and she tells me that I am stupider than she is; she did not choose this path to follow, the path chose her; where I knowingly chose the path. We smile at this fact all of the time but it does not change the commitment or the love that either of us feel for our children. It just allows us as parents of special needs children to share the depth of our commitment with humor.
The little things
The other day as I was driving on a winding, country road I was going quite slow and just enjoying all of the peaceful surroundings. The car behind me was riding my bumper as they seemed to be in a big hurry to get where they were going.
All of a sudden a flash of brown caught my eye to my right in my peripheral vision. I stopped and then right in front of me a doe appeared and crossed the street to go off into the woods on the other side; three seconds later another doe also crossed the street to join the other. We both just sat there and followed the deer’s movements and turned our heads to our left to watch and enjoy them. When the deer were gone I left, and so did the car behind me, but this time it was following me at a safe distance and going much slower.
This example reminds me of what it is like to parent a special needs child. Sometimes if you don’t go slow and you don’t pay attention you will miss that fleetingly quick moment in time when your child shows you something superb and wonderful. It may be the quick smile or the brightness of their eyes as they actually comprehend something for the first time. The moment is no less powerful then seeing those deer. The car behind me was willing once they saw what I saw, to sit and watch and wait. When other people see a special needs child accomplish something or smile so brightly, they too are then willing to step back and acknowledge the wonder that is a child!
Adopting a special needs child may be asking for more work at times, but it also allows you to truly enjoy small but powerful moments in your life. I thank God and the universe every day for giving me the joy that is my child.
<i>Mariellen MacKay is the chairperson of the NH Council on Developmental Disabilities</i>